I have worked for the same company for ten and a half years. My job is so completely boring and technical that I never bother to even explain it to anyone who asks what I do for a living. A portion of my responsibility is coordinating training for employees both local and in our branch plants. (Are you snoozing yet?) Each month we have a class that lasts three days, which means hungry people needing something good to eat to take their minds off the fact that they're sitting in uncomfortable chairs for eight hours straight, their heads being stuffed with information that sounds like some strange, foreign language to industry outsiders. It's not uncommon for me to call in catering companies to provide lunch for the students since we usually have large groups from out of town. Today was one of those days, and little did I know that our delivery guy was planning on leaving more than just food in our conference room.
My phone rang at 11:45am, and the receptionist let me know that my order had arrived. Our department and the training center are on the second floor of the building, so I quickly ran downstairs to guide the guy with lunch in the right direction. The man was older, probably in his sixties, and he had a dolly full of food for fifteen - baked potatoes, chili, salad and all the trimmings to go along with it. He took one look at the intimidating set of steep stairs leading to the room and said, "I can't get this food up there." Ugh. I knew he was right. Usually our delivery guys are strapping young men who don't even blink at carrying such a heavy load, so I ran upstairs and assembled a team to do the job for him.
The food came from one of our favorite caterers. Not only do they have good grub, they also go out of their way to make the presentation memorable for even take-out orders like mine. They carefully wrap the wicker baskets in cellophane and tie them up with ribbons. The hot items in chafing dishes are shrink wrapped to keep them from spilling. For a germophobe like me, this extra effort is comforting.
Once we got the food on the buffet table, my manager Krissy and I left the room while the delivery guy fought with the Sterno, trying to get it lit. We figured he would unwrap the food, put out plates, and prepare the meal to be served, as is customary for this caterer. Time was of the essence today. It was the final day of training and the students needed to be tested and on their way to the airport. We peeked into the room and the food was still on the table, wrapped like Christmas presents. What the heck was Old Guy doing? Quickly, the two of us went back in to get the food ready ourselves, a little frustrated that we were doing his job.
I noticed that one of my co-workers, Mandy, was having a private conversation with one of our out-of-town students. They were talking in hushed tones and looking at the delivery guy. It didn't register at the time as being strange, so Krissy and I finished preparing the meal and left the room. Mandy followed quickly behind us, and she rushed Krissy into her office. Okay...now THAT was strange.
A few minutes later, I walked over to our sink to wash my hands before eating, and Krissy, Mandy, and the student, Justin, came out of the training room together. Krissy said, "You really need to tell Lynda what happened. She'll freak." (Apparently, I have a reputation, huh?) Justin, it seemed, had witnessed something that left us all with our jaws hanging open in shock. He then proceeded to tell me a story I simply could not believe.
The students were out of the room when we brought in the food. If you'll remember, we left Old Guy to himself for a few minutes to get lunch ready. What we didn't know was that while he was in the room alone WITH THE DOOR PROPPED OPEN AND PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT OUTSIDE, Justin walked in and saw him standing in the corner. He said that he did a double-take because he couldn't believe what he was seeing. The delivery guy was by the food table peeing into an empty jug! Justin cleared his throat and made noise to let the man know he wasn't alone. He heard the "zip" of Old Guy's zipper going back up, and then he quickly put the pee-filled container into a nearby box.
NO. HE. DIDN'T.
Justin was stunned but casually walked over to the box to see if there actually was a pee-filled jug in there because really...who pees in a public place? Oh, yeah...it was there. He told Mandy about what he had just seen, but luckily, the Old Guy was so pre-occupied with lighting the Sterno that he didn't even touch any of the food. Krissy and I did it instead. It doesn't really matter though because THE OLD GUY HAD HIS WEENIE OUT IN OUR TRAINING ROOM AND PEED IN A FREAKIN' WATER JUG!
Mandy was so completely grossed out that she passed on the lunch. What could we do? By the time Justin told me the story, Old Guy was gone. We had a room full of people to feed, and we certainly didn't want to announce to the class that the catering dude just took a piss beside the buffet table. Completely confident that the safety of the food was not in jeopardy, lunch was served.
Yes, we planned to report this man to the owner that afternoon. Honestly, I feel a little sorry for the Old Guy. What normal, sane human being whips out his privates and pees in the middle of a conference room?
So...I guess you're probably wondering what I ate for lunch? I had a tuna sandwich that I brought from home. Seriously?? You thought I'd eat that contaminated crap? Come on...you know me better than that...