Look around your circle of friends these days, and I bet you'll be hard pressed to find a grown up. Sure, you might have a gaggle of girlfriends squarely in middle age, but no one is bold enough to act like it any more. These days my world seems to be nothing but a sea of low cut tops, men playing video games, and women showing their asses like they're at a frat party. Well, I'm over it. We have been brainwashed into believing that acting your age (if your age is over 25) is taboo. I'm calling bullsh*t on that notion. I hate to break it to you, but 45 is NOT the new 25. I don't care what Sheryl Crow says. I'm taking back adulthood one Bunco party at at time, and here are some rules that I plan to live by for the rest of my days...
1. No bikinis over the age of 40 - I'm starting with this one because I'm guilty as charged. I thought the fact that I exercise regularly afforded me the privilege of showing off the goods. Well, I finally accepted the idea that I'm missing something that girls half my age possess: elasticity. That's right, when my feet stop walking, sometimes the thighs and belly do not. There isn't a P90X workout in the world that will put the snap back into those areas that time, childbirth, and gravity have removed it from. I solemnly swear to wear nothing more risque than a tankini.
2. I will not answer the door or do yard work in only a jog bra and shorts. I'm constantly reminded of our former (big chested) neighbor who was apparently so hot-natured that weeding her garden made her shirt come off every time she was within our view. It's never a good thing when your celebrity doppleganger is Jabba the Hut. Take comfort in the fact that I will always grab a shirt before you lay eyes on me.
3. I will never flirt with my children's friends or boyfriends. I honestly do not care if teenage boys vote me into the MILF category. I have never aspired to be a cougar or the Most Popular Mom in the Carpool Line. Unless you are a man older than me with a reliable job, unlimited credit, and a nice, padded bank account, I don't give a crap what you think. Besides, my heart belongs to Harry Potter. Just kidding!!...(sort of).
4. I will never wear a skimpy sundress with cowboy boots and braids in my hair. I'm not Taylor Swift and neither are you. Enough said...
5. I won't pretend to like my children's music so they will think I'm cool. First, they don't know anything about good music, and second, I don't care what they think. I get so sick of watching moms fake-listen to Lil Wayne and feign a deep appreciation of his lyrics. What the hell? Just admit that you haven't been up to date on the music scene since Cyndi Lauper was a headliner and move on.
6. I will not dress from the Junior's section at the mall. I'm just going to break your heart right now. Your thighs will not fit into those junior jeans. Go ahead. Try them on...don't let the dressing room attendant see you cry when the circulation to the lower half of your body is restricted and you come to the stark realization that childbirth does indeed reshape your body. Stop trying to look like you're buying a prom dress and not an outfit for your 25th high school reunion. It's okay to be in your forties. There's no curfew here.
7. I will not try to out-drink a college kid. Even though this doesn't really apply to me, Facebook has made it apparent that it DOES apply to some folks I know. Here's the thing: that college kid/friend of the family you're tailgating with? His full time job is playing drinking games. Oh, and another thing...he isn't on high blood pressure medicine and anti-depressants. It's a game you can't win, my friend. Act your age. Beat him at the game you can win: Who Has a Higher Credit Card Limit.
8. I will not be the BFF to my children until they are gainfully employed adults living outside of my home. This is a tough one for parents to follow today. It's cool for your kids to like you, right? WRONG. How do you punish your friends? Do you regularly go to your friend's house and tell them to clean it up or else? Hell, no. Somewhere along the line there was a catastrophic breakdown in the wall separating parents from their children, and those children got uppity, thinking they actually had a voice when it comes to what is best for them. I always hated it when my mother said, "Children should be seen and not heard". Now, I see where she was coming from. Until they stop wanting to wear princess dresses to school or listen to K$sha, I will make the rules, and they will follow them. Period.
I'm taking back adulthood, no Justin Bieber fans allowed. Now, go take off the flip flops and Hollister tee shirt and put on some real clothes.