Thursday, September 8, 2011

45 is NOT the new 25

Look around your circle of friends these days, and I bet you'll be hard pressed to find a grown up.  Sure, you might have a gaggle of girlfriends squarely in middle age, but no one is bold enough to act like it any more. These days my world seems to be nothing but a sea of low cut tops, men playing video games, and women showing their asses like they're at a frat party. Well, I'm over it.  We have been brainwashed into believing that acting your age (if your age is over 25) is taboo.  I'm calling bullsh*t on that notion.  I hate to break it to you, but 45 is NOT the new 25.  I don't care what Sheryl Crow says.  I'm taking back adulthood one Bunco party at at time, and here are some rules that I plan to live by for the rest of my days...

1. No bikinis over the age of 40 - I'm starting with this one because I'm guilty as charged.  I thought the fact that I exercise regularly afforded me the privilege of showing off the goods.  Well, I finally accepted the idea that I'm missing something that girls half my age possess: elasticity.  That's right, when my feet stop walking, sometimes the thighs and belly do not.  There isn't a P90X workout in the world that will put the snap back into those areas that time, childbirth, and gravity have removed it from.  I solemnly swear to wear nothing more risque than a tankini.

2. I will not answer the door or do yard work in only a jog bra and shorts.  I'm constantly reminded of our former (big chested) neighbor who was apparently so hot-natured that weeding her garden made her shirt come off every time she was within our view.  It's never a good thing when your celebrity doppleganger is Jabba the Hut.  Take comfort in the fact that I will always grab a shirt before you lay eyes on me.

3. I will never flirt with my children's friends or boyfriends.  I honestly do not care if teenage boys vote me into the MILF category.  I have never aspired to be a cougar or the Most Popular Mom in the Carpool Line.  Unless you are a man older than me with a reliable job, unlimited credit, and a nice, padded bank account, I don't give a crap what you think.  Besides, my heart belongs to Harry Potter.  Just kidding!!...(sort of).

4. I will never wear a skimpy sundress with cowboy boots and braids in my hair.  I'm not Taylor Swift and neither are you.  Enough said...

5. I won't pretend to like my children's music so they will think I'm cool.  First, they don't know anything about good music, and second, I don't care what they think.  I get so sick of watching moms fake-listen to Lil Wayne and feign a deep appreciation of his lyrics.  What the hell?  Just admit that you haven't been up to date on the music scene since Cyndi Lauper was a headliner and move on.

6. I will not dress from the Junior's section at the mall.  I'm just going to break your heart right now.  Your thighs will not fit into those junior jeans.  Go ahead.  Try them on...don't let the dressing room attendant see you cry when the circulation to the lower half of your body is restricted and you come to the stark realization that childbirth does indeed reshape your body.  Stop trying to look like you're buying a prom dress and not an outfit for your 25th high school reunion.  It's okay to be in your forties.  There's no curfew here.

7. I will not try to out-drink a college kid.  Even though this doesn't really apply to me, Facebook has made it apparent that it DOES apply to some folks I know.  Here's the thing:  that college kid/friend of the family you're tailgating with?  His full time job is playing drinking games. Oh, and another thing...he isn't on high blood pressure medicine and anti-depressants.  It's a game you can't win, my friend.  Act your age.  Beat him at the game you can win: Who Has a Higher Credit Card Limit.

8. I will not be the BFF to my children until they are gainfully employed adults living outside of my home.  This is a tough one for parents to follow today.  It's cool for your kids to like you, right?  WRONG.  How do you punish your friends?  Do you regularly go to your friend's house and tell them to clean it up or else?  Hell, no.  Somewhere along the line there was a catastrophic breakdown in the wall separating parents from their children, and those children got uppity, thinking they actually had a voice when it comes to what is best for them.  I always hated it when my mother said, "Children should be seen and not heard".  Now, I see where she was coming from.  Until they stop wanting to wear princess dresses to school or listen to K$sha, I will make the rules, and they will follow them.  Period.

I'm taking back adulthood, no Justin Bieber fans allowed.  Now, go take off the flip flops and Hollister tee shirt and put on some real clothes.

25 comments:

  1. OH, man, I am so with you. I DON'T WANT to be sixteen again. I like the joys of being north of forty. It's freer here. There is less stress here. Plus, as you said, there is only the self-imposed curfew and medically required dietary restrictions here. Amen!

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  2. *clap clap* Amen to #5. I actually think my head would explode if I had to listen to Lil Wayne, let alone pretend I liked him. Awesome blog-found you via carpool goddes :)

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  3. @Kelly - I don't want to be 16 again, either. I don't care HOW tight my skin was.

    @Manic Motherhood - Glad you found me!!

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  4. Let me remember my twenties. Kids in diapers. Boogers. Lacked the nerve to respond to my MIL. Not enough money to take a vacation to Europe. Couldn't afford good wine.

    Sure, my boobs looked good. But I'm happy with TODAY. (And BTW, Tuesday is my birthday. I'll be 48.) So send me some middle-age birthday love.

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  5. I'm with you, Lisha, and happy early birthday! You rock it!

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  6. I LOVE this. But can I please still wear my flip flops?

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  7. @Partly Sunny...as long as you aren't wearing pigtails! :-)

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  8. Words cannot express how much I love this!

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  9. I found your blog through Carpool Goddess.

    i love this post so much, I'm subscribing.

    I am with you on each one here.

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  10. I am not over or close to 40 (I'm barely 31) but I am still standing up and applauding you for this. When did it become okay to fake being in our teens? I'm sorry but any woman who calls herself an adult with adult responsibilities and is married should act like said adult. My boobs have already gone south thank you much and I'm definitely not skinny. Excuse me while I maintain modesty and courtesy and keep the girls covered up while dressing appropriately for my age.

    Why do so many women feel the need to act like they're in the 20s when it's evident their driver's license says they're in their 40s? Ugh. Act your age, ladies!

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  11. *applause* Most especially for #8. My kids are pretty fantastic (I mean, I MADE them) but until they're' inviting me to a home I don't pay for, to eat a meal that I didn't pay for OR cook...I'm all set with hanging out like buddies. They didn't share my dorm room in college, they shared my BODY for 9 mos. I win.

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  12. Thank you for saying it for us all! It isn't pretty looking at all that sagging skin... and I'm talking about mine. That's why I do everyone a favor and cover it up! :)

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  13. OK so, is it acceptable for a man to like this as well. There is nothing more silly to me than to see a 40+ (or 50+) going out with her teenage daughter and vying for the same guys at the mall. I heard a saying once from a pastor friend of mine. He said, "Be what ya is, and not what ya aint; cuz if ya aint what ya is, then ya is what ya aint!" Makes perfect sense to me! Have a nice day ladies and don't forget the sunblock!!!

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  14. I agree with all of your rules, but I'm keeping my flip flops! I have a large bunion on my left foot and my flips are the only shoes that don't hurt. I am not trying to make a fashion statement with them, it's because I'm old and infirm.
    Oh so old!

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  15. I take exception to the sundress/cowboy boot rule. It's ok in Texas.

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  16. Hahahahahaha....just had a hysterectomy and you are making my incision hurt...but in a good way...I totally love this, since even though I am 40 something I do not have the body that I had in my 20's and I do not expect to get it back anytime in this lifetime...lol...but I so know many that you are talking about....hahahahaha thanks for the morning chuckle

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  17. I'm still laughing at # 4
    So on the money

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  18. I loved #6 because secretly I'd love to still shop in the juniors department. Their clothes are so cute...on them...but not me. Bummer. I need to shop the petites dept at Penneys or Kohls now and half of those clothes are for women over 75. Don't they make fun, sexy clothes for women over 50? Oh well...loved this blog. Very funny!

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  19. Yep it pretty much sums up my rules too and I'm 37. Feels better to be an adult- no curfew, no fake id's, no sneaking around to fool around. I with ya sister!

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  20. We say in our house that our family is NOT a democracy, You may have a voice, but it doesn't mean I have to listen to it!!

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  21. I make no bones about it with the kids I take care of...I like Taylor Swift, I despise Hannah Montana, and the rest of that crap...I despise High School Musical, and I will complain, but I will still let them watch it, (I even took them to see the third one, I thought my ears and eyes would melt...). I think you've hit the nail on the head!

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  22. Just because I am 53, slim, trim and fit doesn't mean I am going to wear garbage bag tops and baggy clam diggers. There is nothing wrong with wearing nice, fitted clothing, that doesn't look dumpy or frumpy. No, I do not believe it letting my "junk" hang out at either end. I just think wearing clothing that looks like burlap sacks when you work hard to maintain a nice shape looks stupid. Stay in shape, you'll feel better about how you look at any age.

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  23. Okay, I pretty much agree with this...BUT have no desire to sit in judgment of women who DON'T feel this way. So they wear junior clothes, and try to be friends with their kids and their kids' friends, and feel good showing a lot of skin...whatever. To each her own. Live and let live. WAAAAY too much judging of other women, women! Be who you want, however you want, but afford other women the same courtesy, please. Let's give all the "Look at her!" "How old is she??!" "What can she be thinking?! stuff a rest. I in fact love to see older women with crazy, bold, out-there style -- it gives me a rush of joy seeing a woman loudly, proudly, happily being who she is, unafraid of judgment/condemnation of others! So definitely take the path you're most comfortable with, just please don't be self-righteous in the process.

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