Friday, March 4, 2011
The Break Up
I'm breaking up with Facebook. No, really...I am. Actually, I have decided on a trial separation to see if we can somehow re-kindle the love we once had together. My relationship with Facebook is much like any other in that once the thrill is gone, it's gone, baby. But maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Maybe if we step away from each other we'll realize that we can make it work somehow. For now, it has lost its luster, and this turtle is missing the safety and comfort of her hard shell.
A couple of years ago I posted an entry here declaring my undying affection for my new love, Facebook. It was like I was re-born. This shy, bumbling geek of a human could actually talk to people in a virtual world and sound smooth, in control of my tongue even. There is nary a faint shadow of the person who is too introverted to make eye contact with the cashier at Target. But talk I did. I felt compelled to comment on your pictures, your status updates, and attempt to be cute and witty in the process. I tried to come up with snarky little remarks to make you laugh. It's funny how the disguise of a computer screen can turn you into a Homer Simpson-quoting Prom Queen.
But that isn't me. There is nothing put-together and polished about this poster child for the Society of Middle Aged Dorks. I have gone so far as to feel sorry for any of my Facebook friends who might re-connect with me in the flesh because they would be sorely disappointed. I will stumble over "Hello". You will see the wrinkles on my face that are deftly removed from any and all profile pictures. And, if you catch me on a milk and bread run at the grocery store after a grueling workout, I'm going to stink, too.
I hate to admit it, but there are other reasons for me to leave. Sometimes the perfect lives that show up in my news feed are simply too hard to stomach. How awesome that you are spending the better part of the year at your vacation home where peace and tranquility reign, and children don't fight (or beg to watch iCarly). I'm also very happy to see the fifteen foot Christmas tree adorned with designer ornaments stationed perfectly in the front window of your million dollar home. I've been waiting all year for that. And, I'm really glad that your kids are angels because honestly...there are days when I consider downing a fifth of Jack and running off to join the circus.
Since I'm coming clean here, I guess I should make another thing clear - I am not your teenage dream. I simply can not, at forty-two years of age, live up to what you remember about me from days gone by (real or imagined - mostly imagined, I'm sure). There is absolutely nothing sexy about the way I scream when socks are left on the floor or when dishes are chucked into the sink instead of the dishwasher, just ask my husband. Sure, I take good care of my body and have sincere pride in being fit, but only so that when my children are teenagers, they can rest assured in the knowledge that I can kick their asses in a heartbeat if the need should arise. It's survival of the fittest, my friend, and I intend to be the fittest. I'm not trying to win any beauty contest or your heart for that matter.
Don't get me wrong - there are a few good things about Facebook. I don't really have close friends outside of cyberspace, and many of my online friends are people I have grown to adore. Unfortunately, they don't even know it. Also, several of my relatives, who won't have anything to do with me in the real world, will communicate with me in the virtual world. Another plus is that I never miss out on those viral Youtube videos because they are posted in abundance for my viewing pleasure. Oh, and I get alerted each time my second cousin does her laundry, so that's a bonus.
I'm thinking that thirty or so days apart might help me to decide if I want to make a clean break forever from my personal Facebook page. If you really know me, then you know how to reach me. I'll still be blogging and updating my Facebook blog page so that the three people who read it can stay in tune with my mundane life, but for now, as far as social networking goes...I'm just going to shut my big, virtual mouth.