Friday, August 13, 2010

Does gray hair make my butt look big?

One morning, some random, unsuspecting morning, I am going to wake up and go all Kathleen Turner on this world.  You know what I mean.  A woman of a certain age can only be pushed so far. (And I'm talking to you, Victoria's Secret.) One of these days I am going to throw open my window and let loose every jog bra, running shoe, and Jillian Michaels dvd within reach of my shaky, wrinkled and slightly unstable grip.  I am going to climb onto the roof top, wave my running shorts (the pair that has "Star" written across the butt) towards the sky and proclaim, "I give up!  You win, Mother Nature!  Bring it on!"   Then I will calmly climb down, put on some comfortable underwear that have substantially more than a quarter centimeter of fabric in the back, don some sweat pants and drive to Burger King for a Double Whopper with cheese.  Don't say you weren't warned.

How long do I have to keep up this charade?  I'm sick of baked chicken.  I tend to get very stabby every time I am forced to watch others eat cake while I settle for a breath of fresh air and the taste of bitter resentment in my mouth.  I no longer have the desire to shlep on out to the street for one more run that finds me dodging dogs with wander lust and a taste for human blood along with those creepy landscaper/stalker dudes with another kind of lust, both of whom want to do bad things to me.  All this to keep my dress size in the single digits?  Seriously?

Can't I just be like Jamie Lee Curtis and let it all hang out?  I want to slouch.  I want to be at peace with myself even if my belly overlaps my belt.  I want to feel free to be excited over eating a cup of yogurt that keeps my bowels regular and encourage random strangers on the street to fill me in on their intestinal escapades.  (Who knew bacteria could be so much fun?  Thank you, bifidus regularis!)  I want to muster the courage to let a human being who doesn't live in my house actually see me without makeup.  Maybe I just want to go to Wal-Mart in my pajamas and scratch my privates while debating what goes better with corn beef hash: PBR or Busch? Jamie Lee let the world see her in all of her un-retouched glory.  I need to find a road map that will lead me to that place in life.

It happens to the best of us.  Maybe I'm more sensitive to gravity's evil ways because I'm surrounded by twenty-something moms who don't need advanced skin care, three pots of coffee per day, and an underwire bra to keep their boobs from landing somewhere south of the equator. (I used to be a 34C and now I'm a 34 long.)  I'm constantly being reminded that the mothers of my daughter's friends weren't even out of diapers while I was partying at spring break in my bikini.  Did I just say that out loud?  Dear Lord, I bet they don't even know who John Hughes was.  Stop me before I break out into a Bananarama song!
 I guess there is no hard and fast answer as to when a delusional middle-aged mom should stop trying to look like a teenager.  Certainly, the under-fed, pre-teen sales clerks in Hollister sense my desperation and wonder if they should direct me to JC Penney.  It's obvious that I don't belong there.  Could I be happy as a couch potato?  Would it do my heart good to walk into an all you can eat Chinese buffet and really eat all I could eat?  My heart says "Yes", but my head and skinny jeans are both telling me to drop and give them fifty...


  1. You just dropped a John Holmes reference in a blog! Well done!!

  2. I WISH I looked like Jamie Lee Curtis' old lady shot.

    I completely understand the older mother syndrome and the pressure that comes with it. I have one in college and two at home and one of those is not yet out of diapers full-time so I am usually the "experienced mom" of any group.

  3. @Heather...John Hughes, dear, John Hughes. (The director of Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles)...John Holmes was in a whole other world, lol :)

  4. I'm afraid you can't be COMPLETELY like Jamie Lee Curtis...You're a biological woman, and while Jamie is just beautiful and vivacious, she has androgen insensitivity, which means she's genetically male. Though I'd have never known it if I hadn't been told in Biology last semester! Though I DO agree she has such amazing confidence, and it would be GREAT to be so happy with the way we look, especially if we could be so beautiful without spending hours or thousands of dollars on it. ;)


  6. Ugh I heart everything in here. Besides being hysterical you convey the heart of every woman. I admire your humor and grace so much. And even if you ever did get a muffin top, you would be incredibly beautiful. There. My two cents.

  7. Since I didn't look like that when I was young, I have no hope of it now! I've decided to be happy in my own skin. And my husband called me his goddess the other day, so that didn't hurt at all ; )


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