Friday, April 9, 2010

Well, I NEVER!!

I HAVE NEVER

...done a shot of liquor. After you’re over, say, twenty-two years old, what’s the point? Isn't it like funneling beer? If you need to get drunk that fast, then we need to talk.

...seen “Titanic”. Don't we all know how this one is going to end? Puh-leeease, Leonardo DiCaprio? He is about as sexy to me as a third grader with a chest cold, and if I hear that damn Celine Dion song one more time...

...broken up with a boyfriend. I have always been the dump-ee. (Insert sad music here.) I'll bet all of those mean boys are hating themselves today, what with my fancy blog read by all of about 5 or 6 people.

...eaten breakfast at a “breakfast” restaurant such as IHOP, Waffle House, etc. It’s hard enough to keep out of plus-sized clothing as it is. If I indulged in a plate full of pancakes, sausage, and fried eggs, I would have to fast for three days and complete the iron man triathlon to get the fat off the inside of my thighs.

...liked my name. It sounds so 1950's secretarial pool-ish, and not at all 21st century sex kitten-ish. I'm pretty sure it has been discontinued, kind of like Mildred.

...tasted Miller Lite or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yay, me!

...watched “Survivor”, “ER”, “Dancing with the Stars”, “Gray’s Anatomy”, “Law and Order”, “Seinfeld”, “CSI” or any other show that has only letters for the title and revolves around solving murders of beautiful, yet troubled people…but am I really missing anything?

...eaten alone in a restaurant, because what does that say about you? Seriously, you couldn’t find one, single friend or loved one to eat a meal with you? Bless your heart!

...been out of the country. Bottom line: sure, Fiji may be gorgeous, but if they don’t speak my language, use my currency, or have a Target within five minutes of where I’m staying, that’s a deal breaker. If you want to see Victoria Falls or the Great Wall of China, two words: google images.

...hugged my father. He may have given me a squeeze when I was too young to remember, but I have no recollection of it ever happening. I know he would have hugged me on my wedding day if he had lived that long.

...been on a cruise. I’m sure plenty of people have never been on a cruise, but I don’t know them. My reason for avoiding a boat trip is simple. If there is a fire or other emergency (read pirates here), I don’t want my only escape route to be a plunge into shark-filled waters. That would totally ruin my day, and I am simply not a fan of the Norovirus.

...jumped off a diving board. Yes, I can swim, but why would I willingly throw myself into water that is several feet over my head? I wouldn’t. Plus, being wet sucks. (See above)

...broken any bones or needed stitches. And there you go, folks. You have just officially witnessed me jinxing myself. I will let you sign my cast tomorrow.

...worn flip flops with a dress. And I never will.

...been camping. Let’s see - bugs, wild, blood-thirsty animals, and murderous escapees from the Asylum for the Criminally Insane are just a few of the reasons I refuse to sleep outdoors protected only by a thin piece of nylon. Oh, and scorpions. If I want to become one with nature, I would just...hmmm, actually, I don't really want to become one with nature. Ever.

...kissed a girl. When I was younger, straight girls didn't usually go around kissing other straight girls for kicks as I have witnessed on late night infomercials starring Joe Francis and hot co-eds. Girls kissing girls seems down right fashionable these days. Weird, but when I was single, girls thought wearing Izod shirts and add-a-bead necklaces was fashionable.

...bared my soul before like I have with this blog.   It's waaaaay scarier than scorpions...

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