Monday, May 18, 2009
I've been wondering what a mid-life crisis looks like for a woman. We are all familiar with what society tells us a man goes through when he hits the 40 plus mark and gets antsy - hair plugs, red convertible, gold chains and a too-young-for-him blonde on his arm. We like to laugh at this stereo type. I'm guessing it looks a little different for that soccer mom in her mini van, but still ridiculous all the same.
I haven't received an official diagnosis yet, but I may be entering my mid-life crisis phase. And from what I can see from the carpool line at school, I'm not alone. I've been gathering my own ideas on this subject, and what I've found is that women facing old age reverts back to being 21 years old again too.
What does this look like? The first thing I've noticed is very tight jeans. Unfortunately, most women are never the same from the neck down after childbirth. If you are going to pour yourself into those Lucky jeans, please, for the love of God, spend some time in the gym. Left over baby fat and skin tight pants may result in "muffin top". Enough said.
The next thing I've noticed is extremely high heels. Getting groceries is always an occasion for sassy red pumps, right? I've seen them at the ball field too. That 40-something mom is strutting her stuff and aerating the sidelines as she cheers on little Timmy.
Another sign is being loud, obnoxious and drunk in public. Sure it's great to get out with the other moms for a drink and some adult conversation, but please have respect for everyone else at Chili's. They really don't want to hear that your husband needs Viagra and your married neighbor is sleeping with the swim coach. Just sip your pomegranate martini and use your inside voice.
The last sign that you are a desperate woman in a mid-life crisis is the desire for tattoos and piercings. I'm admitting now, in front of God and everyone, that I am considering this for myself. If you are a woman that already has "ink", then this doesn't apply to you at all. However, your best friend Susan, President of the Junior Welfare League, looks conspicuously out of place in the tattoo parlor trying to decide between the heart with her kids' names on it or the sun/moon symbol that would look "just awesome" on her ankle.
I wonder what our mothers did to soothe their wanderlust and the need to be young again. There was always Valium, but I don't remember a single mom at my band concerts sporting a Harley tattoo. I'll bet all they needed back then was an upgrade to a washing machine with King-sized capacity or to just demand the latest model Chrysler wagon. You know, the fancy one with power locks and windows.
So now that you know the signs, keep your eye out for one of these creatures. You may find that there is one next door, or teaching your children, or, heaven forbid, staring back at you from the mirror. And for your own safety, NEVER say to her, "That outfit is a little young for you, isn't it?"